Recently I’ve been doing research into how to want to learn. My brain has been kicking up some dust recently and making it really hard to motivate myself to do anything. I have ideas and I want to do them but often times I just have no idea where to start or what to do. Some days it gets so frustrating to me that I struggle to forgive myself for making the slow progress that I do. But I’m working on it.
There are easy, joyous, energetic days. There are also weepy, exhausted, depressed, in pain days. But the days keep coming. And I keep not giving up.
In college I was introduced to the bodhisattva Kuan Yin, translated as the “one who hears the cries of the world,” by a mentor of mine. Kuan Yin’s central message is to meet suffering where it is and listen to it and that that is the first step to true compassion. On an outing that summer, I wandered into a Tibetan gift shop and couldn’t help but be called to a small blue statue of Kuan Yin, holding a jar that is upturned, pouring her compassion over the world, and that jar never empties. I still have her on my bookcase as a reminder of my ability to hold compassion inside me and to pour it out onto others and myself. Sometimes some others need water or sustenance, and if I have that full cup, I can show up. I can help. I can share.
I don’t know about you but I am not a bodhisattva. My compassion is not unending. My bravery wavers. My cup empties from social interactions, poor sleep, a rejection, necessary self-care, trying to make things that are good enough. And when my cup is empty, I can forget what thirsty even feels like.
I’ve been working on honoring the input and learning what my system truly finds nourishing in the moment. Writers say all the time that if you want to write you need to read, a lot, and I agree but I don’t think its always about the medium. Sometimes it can be hard to motivate myself to read a book even though that’s a big passion of mine. In those moments I am discovering something. I think its about the soul connection, quenching your own thirst and then filling your cup till you are ready to give. If it is bringing you alive, then it is worth your time, as much as you want, and that is part of the creative process too.
So go do it.
What do you like?
I don’t mean like meh, sure, I don’t know maybe. I mean hell yes! What do you wish you knew more about? What stories sound like a hell yeah even if they seem silly or boring to other people?
Watch that walking tour of Tokyo on Youtube and make a list of all the places you’ll go when you visit even though you have no savings
Listen to an audio drama podcast about a space bound diner even though you are a nonfiction writer
Finger paint even though you are a professional artist
Read poetry even though your ex always thought it was pretentious and pointless.
Play Cozy Grove and care deeply about what those little ghost bears need even though you wonder if it’s wasting time (But are they really bears? Is it seagulls? Sunflowers? Corn cobs? Unclear what they actually are….)
Research magic symbolism and craft yourself a success potion even if it feels naive to believe in your power to shape the world around you
Go on a road trip and lay amongst the trees to watch the clouds blow by
Learn about the art your friends are making that you know nothing about
Re-read and re-watch the Expanse simultaneously again for the fifth time and rant about the ways in which each one brought out a rich new layer of the story in each other and how cool it is that different forms of storytelling can tell different stories, no matter the ways in which they are the same. (Oh…. Was that one just me?)
I’ve been playing with digital visual art lately and while I know very little and I always thought of myself as a mediocre artist, I always wanted to try. So I am playing. This is one of my favorites so far.
Being a creator, a writer, an artist, any of those creativity based things, I need fuel. And when you’ve been running on empty for so long, it can be hard to figure out what actually fills your cup. But here’s the secret…. You can do whatever you want! You can try things. You can play. Make it play! Get to know yourself! Don’t do what you think “should” be considered relaxing for someone your age or demographic. And some days I wake up and say, “wow that puzzle was really hard and a bit more draining than I wanted, so maybe puzzles aren’t my thing, but what can I try tonight?”
Honestly, writing this blog was one of the things that felt both nourishing and draining. Amongst my illnesses and injuries and struggling to quench my creative thirst enough to survive let alone create it’s been easy to forget all that I am capable of some days. And I am proud of this. But tonight…… maybe tonight will be nourishment through reading and lego building. Maybe it will be watching a movie. Maybe it will be making some digital art. But I know I will do something that is completely unrelated to my work and it will be glorious and nourishing.
What about you? How do you fill your cup? How do you nourish yourself without dissociating into your screen? (Seriously… If you have any tips and tricks because sometimes I don’t notice I’m doing this until an hour later…)
Keep going Queerators
You alive
is a work of art